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Literature by Trip-Artist


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January 21, 2011
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She glanced back over her shoulder. Her green eyes appeared to glow in the sunlight sifting through the window. "I'll see you later, right?"

"Yeah. Um, does five sound good?"

She walked back to him. "Five sounds great."

He smiled, staring into those green eyes again. "All right. I'll see you then."


---

A man of about twenty-five years shuffled his way up to the top of a hill. In front of him stood a mass of people, all dressed in black, some stifling their faces with tissues, others were guiding family members with a firm hand.

God, if I had only known...

But he hadn't. He had been waiting patiently at that cheesy Italian restaurant on the corner of Wayne Street and 7th Avenue for two long hours, the alight candle on his table dwindling to an idle ember. After forty minutes passed, he called her on his cell phone, and left a simple message telling her to call him back as soon as possible.  Three martinis later, his phone vibrated in his back pocket. He rushed to answer, bracing himself for a stand-up. He imagined her vibrant green eyes glancing at another man from across the room.

He placed the phone against his ear, only to hear the sound of sniffles and cries on the other end. It was his date's mother, Tonya, calling to inform that her daughter had…

Squinting back up at the crowd, his eyes brimmed with tears. A minister began to speak, and their whispers were now to a tolerable medium.

He wished wholeheartedly to look into those green eyes once more, to see her staring back at him with such delight. But I know, he thought, a tear dropping to the ground, that's never going to happen. Not in a million years.
This is an entry for :iconcontestgroup:'s monthly literature contest. The theme was "Green Eyes", and this was the best I could come up with.

The limit was less than 300 words (it's 297 words long :)). I did not like that, and I had to delete a lot of details so I could make the cut. :/

I hope you still like it, though. :glomp:
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:iconscarsandtetris:
scarsandtetris Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2011
Oh and I think you should post the original version, if you still have it.
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:iconreneestone:
ReneeStone Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Sadly, I no longer have the original version (which was only about thirty more words, anyway). I only did this because my word processor has the word count in the lower left-hand corner, so I just adjusted accordingly and saved.
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:iconscarsandtetris:
scarsandtetris Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2011
:( awww
oh well that's okay :hug:
I see......
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:iconscarsandtetris:
scarsandtetris Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2011
Really good!! A few grammatical errors, but other than that, no negative comments!!! <3
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:iconreneestone:
ReneeStone Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I was just wondering, what errors did you see?

Thanks in advance! :glomp:
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:iconscarsandtetris:
scarsandtetris Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2011
Not many I don't think, but I'll just list them:

'If I had only knew...'-knew is the you/he/she/they form. Correct tense, but it should be known instead.

'In front of him stood a mass of people, all dressed in black, some stifling their faces with tissues, others were guiding family members with a firm hand.' Others through the end of the sentence is a second independent clause. Either it should be separated from the others with a semicolon or an added 'and' or the 'were' should eliminated.

Then, in the following paragraph, 'was waiting' is a different tense from the other verbs in the paragraph. It should be either 'waited' or 'had been waiting' to be in that tense.

In the next, I think the subject should not be 'his eyes'. This isn't completely wrong, however.

And that's it, as I can tell :)
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:iconreneestone:
ReneeStone Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the edit. :hug:

I'm updating the story now.
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:iconscarsandtetris:
scarsandtetris Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2011
You're welcome!
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:iconamethisttheelf:
AmethistTheElf Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
really sad!!! but it's a very nice story! :D
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:iconreneestone:
ReneeStone Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :hug:
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